I’ve Got 99 Problems and a Marriage Ain’t One…
If you had asked me at 16 where I thought I’d be at 24, I would have probably said engaged or married, and considering starting a family of my own. My mother was married at 24, and she had me around 28, which was actually considered older for the 80’s. But here I sit, 24 years young, and I’m not ready for any of that.
Do I feel 24? What is a 24 year old supposed to feel like? I definitely look about 21. And when I’m not wearing make-up, which is most of the time, there’s a good chance I could get carded for an “R rated” movie. And by could, I mean have…
Because of this, people often treat me as if I’m younger and I’ve wondered, over time, if that has ever had an effect on my cognitive age, or my self-perceived age. Then again, I do wake up every morning for a job that expects me to be on-time, efficient and responsible; I pay my own bills and do my own laundry, so these factors alone should squash any confusion or resistance I may have about how old I feel.
I do find it funny how often I receive tweets/posts asking: “when are you getting that ring,” or “when are you guys getting married,” since I have publicly been in a two-year relationship. It seems that in our culture, if you are in a multiple year relationship in your twenties and not hinting/expecting/begging for an engagement ring, you must be from outer space. This is something that I just don’t understand.
I sometimes wonder if it’s an old school concept to be married with children before your 30’s. With a huge population now attending four-year colleges, the tough job market and steadily increasing debt among young adults, I feel as if I can’t be alone in this theory.
Plain and simple: maybe times have changed, and expecting the same timeline of life events in a completely different world is not only unrealistic, but frustrating.
Now, I was never the girl who dreamt of her wedding day, or the girl who had images of her dress, her first dance or what color her flowers would be. I was a bit of a tom-boy growing up. I played soccer, was a black belt in karate and was the scorekeeper of my school’s wrestling team, so needless to say- I missed out on a lot of the fairy tale princess, fantasy stage. But, I did, and I continue to have, long monogamous relationships, relationships that I put a lot of my time and energy into. Only very recently though, has the thought of marriage even been a factor in my relationships, and it’s mostly because I feel that I’m at the age that I’m supposed to be considering it.
I have friends that are the same age as me who already feel as though their biological clocks are ticking because they are in the vicinity of 30. Sometimes it seems that women would rather be 35 and in an unhappy marriage than 35 and single because they haven’t met the right person yet, or don’t feel ready for marriage. But I don’t think that should be the case, and I don’t think that expectations built around age are necessary or healthy. I believe that you should get married when, and only when, you are emotionally and financially ready, and not because you’re scared to be an unmarried XYZ year old. I’ve obviously never been married, but I imagine rushing into a marriage before you’re completely ready is a divorce lawyer’s wet dream.
Bottom Line: As I get deeper into my twenties, I’m having a problem engaging in traditions that I feel like I’m supposed to be experiencing due to age, when I don’t feel necessarily ready. What are your thoughts on this? Are you one of those who are guilty of feeling like you need to adhere to the expectations of your age, or do you agree that maybe times have changed and if things are meant to happen, they will. Also, what other kinds of coming of age expectations do you feel pressure to adhere to? Let me know in the comments!
FYI: I set up an e-mail account debtpuppet@gmail.com. I am going to start selecting e-mails to publicly reply to every Friday in my “Ask Heather” posts. Feel free to send me over questions about anything! Here are a few examples: student debt, college preparation questions, relationship questions, advice, MTV questions ect. If you’d rather me answer you privately, please state that clearly in the e-mail.
To all of you who have read my first three posts, Thank you! Please continue to spread the word to any of your friends/family who are facing the trials and tribulations of being a young adult in today’s world. 
xo- Heather
I totally agree. This summer I will be 25 and will be celebrating my 4 year anniversary with my boyfriend. Our son will also be 2 in April. People are constantly pushing us to get married but although we have a child together, live together, and we’ve been together for almost 4 years, I cannot see myself getting married anytime soon. I’ve also never had a big idea for my wedding but now when I think about it, I want a nice wedding and at this point in my life I cannot afford anything haha (student loans, baby, bills, etc). Ill be waiting until it feels completely right and we are settled enough to afford whatever we want
I’m so right there with you. I too don’t feel my age (27) and I certainly don’t look it as I’m carded for everything under the sun (movie tickets, Nyquil, booze, etc). I have two sister-in-laws that had children young and they all look at me like I’m crazy for not wanting children right now. I’m sick of getting the “when are you having children” question. Yes, I’m 28 and I’ve been married for a little over two years after dating the person for eight, but I’m not geriatric. Since when is 30 old to have children? And really, that’s only a little over two years away so I’m thinking I won’t be ready then either. I may be 27, but I don’t feel 27. I feel too young to have children. This is my time to be a little selfish, travel a little too much and do what I like. I have a great dog. Isn’t that enough?
I completely agree with you!! I am also 27, married for 4 years and can not imagine having children right now. I too look very young, which is beyond frustrating to constantly have people tell me “Married? But you’re so young!” while the other half can’t quit asking why I don’t have children. This is the time to be selfish. I have to much I want to see and do that does not include devoting my life to someone else (a child). When I’m ready, maybe, maybe in a few years I’ll think about it. The usual reaction? 30? That’s so old! Newsflash, we are getting out of school later, beginning out lives and figuring ourselves out later and living longer. 30 is not old! And even then, it’s our decision not everyone elses.
I love this post…I couldn’t have said it better myself. I constantly find myself confused with what are supposed to be “social norms” as well, and it’s so true that what it means to be in your twenties is something that has changed over time. Your blog is awesome so far and I’m enjoying reading.
I got married at 30 and previously said I wanted to me married and pregnant by 30. As time went on, it didn’t make sense and it was pushed back. But to be honest, I am now 31 and we are having trouble getting pregnant and I’m now worried that I won’t be able to have children. As I inch closer to the dreaded 35 mark, I worry that I won’t have 2 kids by then. It makes me nervous. Granted, there are lots of fertility treatments these days but they are also very pricey. Sometimes your ‘now’ self has to think about what your ‘future’ self may want or miss out on.
I got married just days after turning 23. Maureen, my wife, was almost 19 at the time. As a butcher, there was never lots of money.. you just ate really well. She worked in a bank making a decent wage, when we got engaged, and we decided we would pay for our wedding ourselves. Not that anyone else offered anyway. But I remember thinking, why are we putting on this huge event when we could really use this money to buy a car or start saving for a place of our own. There was a little simmering family pressure, from both sides, to marry and pop out a couple of kids. All of my friends were getting married and having children and being we were madly in love, It must be the right thing to do. It’s time, our early early twenties, it’s what everyone did. Thousands and thousands of dollars later and a huge church wedding, reception and honeymoon , etc.. we sat there on the couch, one night, and thought, man, we are broke, in debt, no car, can’t afford school. Maybe we could’ve planned this better. In hindsight, we should have waited longer, saved a good amount of money and surely not lived in my grandmother’s attic apartment because that’s all we could afford. We also didn’t live together before getting married. Yeah, also not a great idea. haha We had a great time though, no lie. She’s still my best friend and the closest woman to me on the planet. But I’m so glad that the pressure is off, for the most part, and people are getting married and having children later. Seriously, what’s the rush. Follow your gut, and your wallet. I’m sure most of the problems people have and fight about are money related. How long do you wait? How much do you save? What’s enough money? I don’t know, but I surely learned quickly what’s NOT enough! And one of my biggest realizations is that most of the pressure to marry is from people who will never give you enough in their wedding envelope to cover their plate!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING THIS!!!! First of all, let me just say that I watched your season of the Real World and also follow you on Twitter. I really love what you stand for and your outlook on life! Second, to address your post, I’m 22 years old and come from a small town in Texas. I swear every week I see multiple people around my age on Facebook getting engaged. It makes me question if these people really love each other or if they’re just caught up in the whole small town thought process of, “I’ve dated this person for a few years, we’re done with college, now it’s time to settle down and get married because it’s the natural next step in life.” I also don’t see majority of these people having set huge life/career goals for themselves, which is really upsetting to me. It legitimately scares me to death to look back on my life in 10 years and think that I have settled. I have been in 2 long term relationships since I was 14. When I was graduating from college last May, I thought I was going to marry the guy I had been dating for the past 3.5 years. However, there was always something that just wasn’t quite right. Then, once I moved into the real world and he was still in grad school, I realized we were in two totally different places. We no longer were in the “bubble” of college and having the same friends, therefore, we grew distant. So, we broke up and I have been single for the first time in a long time, and I honestly couldn’t be in a better place in my life….to sum up a long story, I think your twenties is the PERFECT time to be selfish and really figure out who you are. In the past 7 months that I have been single, I have become a better friend, better career woman, and a much more independent and genuinely happy person all around. I am in no hurry to get married just so I’m not alone. I want to get married because I have met my soulmate and am ready in every way to commit myself fully to one person and them me.
I’ll finish my rant with a quote I recently came across that I’ve started to live by and hopefully other people on here may find it beneficial as well, “knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” -Bell Hooks.
Thanks again for this blog, Heather! I’ve really enjoyed it so far.
I’m not going to lie. I’m the girl who is surrounded by friends who are getting married and is anxiously awaiting her big day to come BUT I’ve come to realize it is not okay to be that way. Not only does it add pressure to your significant other but it ruins the opportunity to live in the moment, to enjoy life day after day. It’s true, we are young. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years and while the pressure is there from our family and friends to hurry up and tie the knot, we talked and understand that we are not financially stable. When that day comes, we don’t want the lack of money to keep us from having our huge dream wedding. We want to be able to afford it and not have to cut our guest list short or go for the less expensive venue or dress. We also know that there are still so many career opportunities that we want to work for. There are things we want to do, things we want to buy before we start putting all our money towards a wedding and a future home. We have our student debt to pay off, I have a car I’m paying off and he wants to buy a car. He’s still buying furniture for his apartment. Sure, I’m a girl who dreams of her fairytale wedding but I’m also understanding and thinking realistically.
Great post!
Jasmine
http://www.southern-cafe.blogspot.com
I couldn’t agree with you more and I’m relieved to see I’m not the only one! I’m 22, just graduated from college and have been dating my boyfriend for about four years now. Especially now that I’m done with school, it seems like everyone is asking when we’re getting married, and with most of my high school friends nearing college graduation as well, all I seem to see on Facebook anymore are engagement rings and babies. It freaks me out! I’m in a committed, loving, amazing relationship and I do want to marry my boyfriend someday, but I’m in absolutely no rush. I feel like marriage is for grown-ups and I’m not quite there yet! haha My mom had me when she was 30, which I used to think was old and that I’d want to be a young mom, but now I realize I am nowhere near ready for marriage or children! There’s no harm in waiting!
Totally agree. When my mom was 24, she had two kids. I always thought 28 would be the magic age for me. But now that I’m 27, I can’t even imagine getting married right now. I see people my age and even much younger tying the knot and while I’m sure some are truly happy/ready, I think many are just doing what they think they should. In my experience, with just about anything, you’re much more likely to look back and say “I’m glad I waited” than “I wish I had rushed into that sooner.”
I don’t know what 27 is supposed to feel like either, but I’m pretty sure 90% of the time I’m not feeling it.
-Kelly @ areyourtwentiesajoke.com
Many people I know are getting married or having babies, most of them thought it was a good decision despite being nowhere near able to afford the costs of either. I don’t know if they feel compelled to show their love for the partner or they are just stupid, but count me out. I’ll do both when I and my wallet are ready.
And that isn’t now!
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-Marty F. Nemec
http://www.martyfnemec.wordpress.com
martinfranknemec@yahoo.com
The notion that women should get married young existed in part because women weren’t expected to have lives outside of domesticity in the first place. Clearly, that is outdated, but some people still cling to that old value (thanks in large part to the South). Another (in my opinion) antiquated notion is that weddings should be large celebrations that cost oodles of money, and should be paid for by the bride’s father. It baffles me that people are still laboring under the deep-set delusion of what a traditional wedding is, when traditional weddings were a custom of the bourgeoise who could actually AFFORD them. Trying to maintain a bourgeois custom on a layman’s budget is what gets a lot of young married couples into trouble. By all means, have a NICE wedding, but get creative, and get savvy!!
Nice post. You just got to go with what is right for YOU and not anyone else. I agree, that it seems like if you date someone for more than a year people are asking where the ring is. First of all, I think one or two years is still not that long to determine if the person you are with is worthy of a “forever” commitment. But that’s just me. I date my husband for about 4 years before we got engaged, then we were engaged for about a year. I don’t see what the rush is to fly down the alter. I mean I guess most of the pressure is because most people want to have kids before they hit the dreaded 30, but still, I don’t think feeling pressured to get married because of some time line society has is a going to do you, your prospective husband or your future kids any good. I think you are on the right path Heather, by knowing that there’s a lot more to factor in than just age! Besides, to me 24 is young! There’s still so much you can accomplish before settling down. As long as you and Dustin are happy in your relationship and where it is, that’s all that matters!
ha this is a topic that my roommate and I CONSTANTLY talk about. I’m about a month away from turning 25, and with that dreaded number comes the influx of wedding invites in my mailbox. It seems like everyone and their brother is getting engaged, while i’m not even able to commit to a goldfish at this point. I also think this pressure and mindset depends on where you live as well. My best friend lives in Ohio and I’m pretty sure I’m her only friend that is not married, or on the brink of being married. I’m the opposite, completely single and living on my own in Manhattan. Here in NYC, its abnormal to be that young and married. I feel like the closer to 30 is the more norm, which at this point in my life, I kinda love. Though I also think it’s everyone’s individual choice when they’re ready or not. Though at times I feel young and not ready, I also think if the right person came along, I’d take the leap. To each his own, but the pressure is ridiculous in today’s society.
Oh my goodness, thank you for this. I’ve felt completely overwhelmed by the people around me getting married & having babies. But I have to keep reminding myself — I’m normal! The average age to settle down is early 30s….I’m doing my own thing. I’d regret it the rest of my life if I settled with someone before I was ready. Also, some people don’t understand that you can be in a happy, committed relationship without having to get married. I’m glad to see you feel the same!